By Mjolnir the mighty hammer of Thor I am out of my depth here! Due to other commitments I am only able to do the one day at Hard Rock Hell’s annual beard and helmet fest, and I have no idea what to expect. I mean it’s (supposed to be) Scandi-rock Jim, but not as I know it…… only of course it’s not. This is a rollover from 2020 and due to the dreaded ‘rona the line-up looks very different from the one originally booked. It’s all UK bands and I have no idea if they fit with the Viking theme as I’m a fish out of water here – I only know two of the bands playing. So let’s just play it by ear and see what happens right?

We start the proceedings with a band I’m actually familiar with. Those of you who are old like me will probably remember Manowar, the loincloth-clad barbarians from the 80’s who sang a lot about war and battles and blood and such. Our opening band are their feminine counterparts Women O War, who look an awful lot like Midlands power-metallers Dakesis in bad wigs and worse dresses. But never mind that, because these girls rawk. They bring all the songs you know to the party, but not quite how you have ever seen them before. They have power, they have their tongues firmly in their cheeks. They are joined on stage for the final song by Hanowar, a young gent sporting a fetching and appropriate loincloth, and he wrings the solo to “Battle Hymns” out like a grandma with a mangle. Oh and his guitar is furry too. This was a great way to kick the festival off, all the rock but in an upbeat and fun way.

Upstairs in stage two the next band up are Akkila. They are loud, they are Metal, they are fast, they are shouty. They seem to be very angry about something, maybe everything. The crowd like them, but I feel like I have been assaulted. No that’s maybe a bit harsh, they are competent and good at what they are doing, it’s just – too loud man, too loud.

Back to the main stage for Kull. They are demonic prog with screechy vocals that put me in mind of Dani Filth. There are double kick drums so it’s fast. There are time changes and key changes. The lyrics involve serpents and demons and stuff. It’s OK, but it’s serious stuff. Inside me a little voice is thinking that summoning the devil could be a lot more fun than this?

Back on stage 2 and I make an unexpected discovery. Eoten are a band that I will definitely be checking out again. They are hard and heavy, but the vocals are clean. Every now and again they go a bit folky. There are a lot of mentions of warriors and victories and similar, and it’s apparently very important that we all DIE BY THE SWORD! Which is nice, and is still stuck in my head as I type this now over a week later. Damn. So yes, thumbs up from me for Eoten.

Thumbs remain firmly at my sides for The Heretic Order though. I’ve heard good things about them, apparently some of them used to be in Breed 77.  Initially my inner computer said no, I found them a bit metal-by-numbers, there was a strong hint of Sabbath wannabe going on and they were a bit, dare I say it, dull. But they were slick and competent and as the set went on things livened up. The crowd got right into it, a circle pit formed, and as the bodies flailed and span the band basked in the feedback and livened right up. By the end of the set I may have even tapped a toe or two, and not just to wipe the excess blood off my boots.

For Accursed Years I was able to get my Goth on a bit. They had a combination of dreadlocks and floppy emo fringes, and the music was decent hardcore with clean vocals. They were another band that grew on me, and the longer I listened to them the more I liked them. They went a bit pirate at the end, which I enjoyed very much, so with a cheerful yo-ho-ho I went to get another rum from the bar.

Necronautical have been recommended to me by my ROCKFLESH colleague Stewart, so I know I’m probably not going to like them haha. That’s a bit harsh actually, as although they are definitely not a Jo band they do have good hair. They are fast, loud and shouty and it’s moshpit time again down on the floor. It all goes a bit operatic at one point but I think it’s on backing tapes as I can’t see any of them actually singing. I note that they are like every cliché of a death metal band rolled into one, but our photographer Ryan says they sound a bit like Fleshgod Apocalypse and apparently that’s a good thing. So there you go – they weren’t for me but the crowd loved them and so did Ryan.

Back to stage 2 and the final band up is Wretched Soul. Did I mention cliches? I think these guys might have bought the full Metal package. For a start they too all have awesome hair. There are black sweatbands galore. The guitars are pointy, in fact one is a flying v and you don’t get pointier than that. The bass player spends a lot of time with one foot on a monitor. The vocals are shouty. But despite all of that they are actually not bad at all. They remind me a lot of Manchester thrashers Vice, and I’ve always been a bit of a sucker for a bit of Very Metal. Slick thrash performed well, I have definitely seen worse.

Next up on the main stage is Memoriam, a band that I have described in my notes as The Dark Side Of The Saxon. They are really good, very together with a great sound. Somewhere in the maelstrom of music there are sirens, I’m still not sure why. They weave a hard and heavy tapestry, then roll it up like a rug and slap you in the face with it. This band mean business, and their business appears to be very good according to the crowd reaction to them. I personally find it all a little too much, I am weary of being shouted at and brutalised by the uncompromising nature of the music, so I finish the set by having a nice sit-down at the back.

Finally it’s time for special guest headliners Red Rum. They are not so much Vikings as they are Pirates, and party pirates to boot. There is a parrot on the bass player’s shoulder, and that kind of sets the tone for the set. Red Rum put the jolly into the Jolly Roger, they play bouncy cheerful pirate Metal and most of all they are fun. After all the serious Metal I have encountered today it’s a huge relief to be able to let go and just dance. They do covers, including 7 drunken nights, and I’m sure I spotted a sea-shanty version of Limp Bizkit’s ‘Rollin’ in there somewhere! The atmosphere is relaxed, the crowd is relaxed and there is not just ordinary dancing – at one point line-dancing happens! The songs are gloriously silly, the band are not technically perfect but they are having such a good time that it doesn’t matter. It’s rowdy, it’s raucous, it’s joyful. I can’t help wondering if this is what Valhalla is really like, not so much quaffing and pillaging, more dancing the hornpipe and rum.

So that was my first HRH Vikings. I maybe didn’t appreciate the bands quite as much as a true afficionado of the genre would, but I did have a good time. I discovered a couple of bands I really liked, and if the devil did get summoned I probably danced with him. Happy days!